I'm reading Illusion & Reality (The meaning of anxiety) by David Smail and it's fascinating.
Even though I'm barely a third of the way through the book I keep hitting ideas or stories that speak to me and my experiences. These few paragraphs I am quoting on shyness are a case in point. I wouldn't consider myself an exceptionally shy person, e.g. to the extent of a loss of self or a feeling of having no personality, but I have felt many of the things that Smail describes in varying intensity. I do find large-scale social situations difficult. I am also learning that I am far from alone in how I feel.
The affliction of intuitive sensitivity is experienced most often in the form of shyness - the form, that is, of self-consciousness negatively valued in our culture. Not all kinds of shyness stem from this origin, but it does seem to be the case that many of those who experience shyness to an excruciating degree are at the same time people who are acutely aware of the emotional currents passing between themselves and others.
Very shy people people often have a kind of raw, flinching sensitivity to others, so that they approach them like cats testing the boundaries of their territory. The shy person's consciousness of self is nothing like that of the confident impression manager: the shy person is aware only of a painful inadequate, useless, negatively valued self, or even a complete lack of self ('I've got no personality'). In this respect, perhaps, shy people are close to the recognition of a truth which their more confident fellows have more successfully repressed, i.e. that in fact selves of the kind of which they so painfully feel the lack are mythical inventions of an objectifying culture.
But they are not on the whole able to articulate this truth nor to gain any comfort from it; instead, they are to be found standing in corners, aching with a sense of their own futility and uninterestingness to others, searching despairingly and vainly for the words that will introduce themselves to others as worthy of attention and acknowledgement, enviously wondering at the apparent smoothness and ease with which others seem to fill out their existence as forces to be reckoned with and confidently conduct their relations with each other.
At the same time, the shy person may secretly harbour a kind of arrogant contempt for the shallowness and boringness of the easy socializer he or she so bitterly envies, finding solace in the view that when social contacts do materialize in his or her world, they have at least got real depth and significance. But the all too familiar experience is for two shy people, at a party for example, to end up together in a corner, each embarrassed at the obviousness to the others around them of their pathetically settling for safety in mutual support, each secretly disgusted that they could not appeal to someone less like themselves.
It is hard to escape the objective culture, and thus not to experience shyness as a crippling affliction. Wherever he or she goes, the shy person feels positively magnified under the gaze of the Other, the inadequacies of self exposed even to the most fleeting glance and most casual encounter, and yet quite unable to abandon his or her intuitive sensitivity to social relations in order to join in the game of impression management.
This idea of "the objective culture" and our loss of subjectivity is a strong thread running through the book. What is interesting is that in my search for meaning I started out looking for "an objective perspective" on my life and the problems I faced. But I am learning that nobody else knows what it is like to be me, no more than anyone but Paris Hilton knows what it is like to be Paris Hilton. Our curse is that we think we do know; However I think that what we think of is an object we have co-created and to which we have attached many labels which are likely to be more significant to us than to them.
One of the interesting things about blogging is the ability to, in a relatively controlled setting, reveal something of ourselves. To share what it means to be us. I tend, with some few exceptions, not to talk very personally on my blog but I think my views on our society and how we relate to each other are, over time, quite discernible and form some kind of a reflection of my inner self, my ideas, and what is important to me.
But (and I do not intend to kiss & tell all here) there are murkier layers beneath and problems swimming in these deep pools. Given the way our culture works it is very easy for us to label ourselves and to be labeled. Given enough time we grow to own these labels and, in my turn, I guess I've just grown up believe that "this is essentially me." It's difficult but exciting to be challenged with the existential perspective that there are no essences, no spooks and that much of what troubles us comes, not from within, but from our interactions with the world around us.
This morning on Radio 4 I heard someone who, from what I could tell, was a lecturer in happiness describe the key to happiness as being "creating productive relationships". I can certainly attest to the notion that many of my happiest experiences have happened in the context of a relationship. A case in point would be the time that Paolo and I were designing K-Collector and I'm delighted to see that project is still going and morphing into new an exciting forms working with a financial newspaper.
However I also reflected that we are born into a world of systems that appear to us to be very inflexible, almost fixed, with no reason why. And we experience everything from subtle pressure to outright bullying and indoctrination to guide us towards what is normal. At lunch on Monday Euan told me how one of his daughters had asked him why she had to do homework. Euan being a fairly laid back chap and a student of Tom Hodgkinson was hard pressed to go with the party line.
This all starts well before we learn how to think, even assuming that we do learn. We end up perpetuating these systems without even knowing why they are as they are and people who question them may face hostility and abuse. It reminds me of a story I heard while studying psychology. If anyone knows the attribution (or that it's definitely apocryphal) I'd be grateful. It goes like this:
An experimenter put some gorillas in a cage and a bunch of bananas was hung from the top of the cage with a block underneath by which a gorilla might climb up to reach the bananas. Any time a gorilla would attempt to climb the block to reach the bananas the experimenter would turn a hose on the cage and soak them all. At some point the gorillas learned that if any of them attempted to reach the bananas they would get hosed down and so, any time one of them was overcome with the urge the others would beat the offender.
Once the principle was properly learned the experimenter switched one of the gorillas in the cage for a new gorilla that had not been witness to anything that had happened so far. This gorilla had no fear of the hose but, when it tried to reach the bananas, was restrained by the others. Eventually it too learned that the bananas were not for it. With this pattern established the experimenter continued slowly replacing the gorillas until none of the original gorillas in the experiment were left in the cage.
At this point the cage contains a group of gorillas who would beat up any of their number who attempted to reach the bananas yet none of them knew why they are doing it. None of these gorilla's have ever been hosed. They had merely learned that nobody gets the bananas!
I had another title in mind for this post but "nobody gets the bananas" was, on reflection, too good to pass up although it's sad to think that so much of our lives are spent trying to fit in with these bizarre systems in which we find ourselves and to give the impression that everything is fine and normal and, in doing so, oppress everyone else around us who, in their own private shame, may well be suffering similar distress.
I keep wondering: If one day we were unable to hide our inner selves, our inner feelings, and no longer able to create masks, not able to "manage impressions" what would happen? Would we all suddenly become sane?